Why Do I Keep Making the Same Mistakes?

You'd think that once you've recognised a pattern, you'd be able to stop it. You can see exactly what you're doing. You might even be able to predict what's going to happen next. And yet, somehow, you end up in the same place again.

This is one of the most frustrating experiences people bring to therapy, and it's also one of the most common. If you've ever thought "why do I always do this?", you're not alone. And importantly, the fact that you keep repeating something doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It usually means something important is trying to be understood.

Patterns aren't random

In psychodynamic therapy, we take repeating patterns very seriously. Not as evidence of failure, but as information. If something keeps happening in your life, it's telling you something about what's going on underneath.

Often, repeating patterns have their roots in early experiences. The relationships you had growing up, the way emotions were handled in your family, what you learned about yourself and other people before you were old enough to question any of it. Those early experiences create templates, ways of relating that feel so natural you might not even realise they're there.

For example, if you grew up in a home where expressing need was met with criticism or withdrawal, you might find yourself pulling away from people the moment you start to feel close. Not because you want to, but because getting close triggers an old fear that closeness leads to rejection.

You don't need to know any of this consciously for it to drive your behaviour. That's exactly what makes these patterns so stubborn.

Why insight alone isn't enough

You might already have some sense of where your patterns come from. Maybe you've read about attachment, or a friend has pointed out a recurring theme in your relationships. Insight is a good start, but on its own it rarely changes anything.

That's because these patterns aren't just habits you can think your way out of. They're deeply felt emotional responses, wired in through years of experience. Changing them requires more than understanding. It requires feeling, in a safe relationship, what it's like to do something different.

This is where therapy is different from self-help. In the room, with another person, you get to experience a relationship where the old rules don't apply. Where you can be honest without being punished. Where need isn't met with rejection. Over time, that new experience starts to rewire the old one.

What this looks like in practice

Let me give you a general sense of how this kind of work unfolds, without using anyone's real story.

Someone might come to therapy saying they keep choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable. They can see the pattern clearly, and they're frustrated with themselves for it. In our work together, we might start to notice that availability itself feels uncomfortable for them. That being with someone who is fully present creates a kind of anxiety they can't explain.

As we explore that, connections start to emerge. Perhaps a parent who was physically present but emotionally absent. A learned sense that love means wanting something you can't quite have. Not a conscious belief, but a felt one.

Once you can see that, really see it and feel it, something shifts. Not overnight, but gradually. The pattern loosens its grip.

This isn't about blame

I want to be clear about this, because it's a concern people often have. Exploring where patterns come from isn't about blaming your parents or anyone else. It's about understanding. And understanding gives you choices you didn't have before.

Most of the time, the people who shaped our early patterns were doing their best with what they had. Seeing that clearly is part of the work too.

Breaking the cycle

If you recognise yourself in any of this, the first step is simply noticing. Not judging yourself for the pattern, but getting curious about it. What keeps drawing you back? What does it feel like just before the pattern kicks in? What would it mean to do something different?

These are exactly the kinds of questions psychodynamic therapy is designed to explore. It won't give you a formula, but it will help you understand what's been driving you, and that understanding is what creates lasting change.

If you'd like to talk about what you're noticing, you can reach me at help@counsellingwithclaire.uk. I work with adults from my practice in Worcester Park, and I'm always happy to have an initial conversation.

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Claire Smith is a BACP accredited psychodynamic therapist (216379) based at Manor Drive Medical Centre, Worcester Park.